As a result of having suffered mental and physical abuse by father in the days of 13 years old more than one year, a symptom of the PTSD continued for a certain period of time, and a borderline personality disorder was diagnosed in me at 18 years old.
With long-term hospitalization as the closedown ward of the mental hospital, I continued the medical treatment, but the symptom was not improved at all.
In the days of 24 years old, a problem action peculiar to a borderline personality disorder and a mental symptom became the factor, and the relations with the fiance who shared life for ten years completely became extinct.
There was the boyfriend of the one graffito artist to me who escaped for drug dependency in despair at its giving life during a considerable period.
He was so-called delinquent and it was a fact to have used various illegal drugs, but though he watched that a drug undermined the pure heart that the human being had at the point in time when I met him, aversion let him do it and hated a drug except marijuana.
And several times cornered me in a way to think awfully cruelly to hang mental load to me without pointing it out directly daringly while perceiving that I was undermined to various drugs than it was done so.
It was not awfully unusual for it to be said that a heart was stained.
However, he made my worthless good aspect words by all means and praised it.
While do so it, is why; or I,
"Myself is the only one that can cure the disorder that oneself has from the origin". "Medicine and the psychiatry of the mind clinician is only a thing assisting such me just a little". "I would behave like a baby how". "I have let the heart of former fiance who had only the choice that I decided parting chase a wound to never disappear". 」
I came to have the thought that I resisted.
In addition, it wants to be recognized more by this precious friend recognizing such me!
Father does the future life and continues ascetic practices to train me thought.
Because later I got psychiatrical basic knowledge as well as going to hospital, I began it, and, until the present when it was to 41 years old, a medical book and a technical book, the article announced abroad read it carefully in the original immediately and went to the lecture of the national university, and a study practiced various therapies including the cognitive-behavioral therapy and aimed at the complete recovery positively while adding improvement after having considered the habit of the way of thinking of my own, and doing it.
As a result, I received a diagnosis, "borderline personality disorder was completely cured" as a result of re-diagnosis with the observation period by the hospitalization several years ago.
An introduction got longer, but here becomes the question contents.
I received the diagnosis mentioned above, and the diagnosis that "dissociative identity disorder" developed in gave me now.
I do not register marriage to him, but there is a husband living together for ten years.
Former he had character that it was calm and was gentle.
However, it was sensitive, and depression and menopausal disorders developed for what I was too much conscious of I moved in the local depopulated area three years ago, and how he has seen with the stress by the environmental change from all around immediately, and it came to be attacked by persecution complex and, as a result, came to use violence on me routinely.
Because it was strong and had the feeling that it was said so that I cured his disease without being going to bear a grudge against him making me by thinking that a disease let him do such an act, I thought that I might tolerate violence to receive from him.
However, within one year, the symptom of the mental disorder that developed by the abuse that I received in childhood recurred.
His violence was not settled even if it became such a situation.
The muscle (the muscle which moves in particular a back, a neck, a shoulder, face, diaphragm) of the whole body almost becomes stiff and, for two weeks, feels like diaphragm is drawn to breathe from strain of conditioned mind when is hit again by him, and it is like convulsions attack.
I call an ambulance almost every day.
Convulsions are almost settled by an IV infusion of selsyn 10mm, but it will be attacked again immediately by an attack when I am terrible because the husband becomes in a bad mood and is threated in the inside of car of the way back.
Because it is flashback of the abuse that I received from father, it is very difficult to control.
A bedridden state continues now.
Would you advise the coping method that I should take?
Thank you in advance for your help.